i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
