Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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