Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
