Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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