Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
