Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
we're chasing vodka with high fives
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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