your thong is hanging out like whoa
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
