anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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