I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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