There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
