dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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