Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
