Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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