Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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