Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
