Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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