I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
