I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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