i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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