he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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