Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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