She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
