So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
