This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
MIDGETS
????
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
