Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
