So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
