Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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