Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
