In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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