Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
