Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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