Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
