two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
