i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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