if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
