Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
