he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
