look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
