It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
