addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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