It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
