I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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