Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
