I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
