i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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