Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
