I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
