and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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