even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
