I'll bet she douches with gravy.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
