So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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