if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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